If the Nine-Nine was a Life Coaching Center

by Caroline van Kimmenade


This is what happens when you’re me and you watch your fourth-or-so Netflix rerun of the sitcom (nay, Life Advice Show) Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You see the light and identify:


30+ reasons to schedule a coaching session at the Nine-Nine.

Because sometimes the best Heist, is getting on a coaching call.



Wait, that doesn’t even make any sense.



Me neither.


Let’s get to it!


Sessions with Jake Peralta

Super Detective, Slob and Prankster. Extension #33


When you’re clamming up and you need some help to get you to “confess” to what is really going on with you.

Because sometimes it’s hard to open up without a little prompting. Ahem.

So, Jake will sing for you.



Thanks Jake, I will continue to confess to my deepest thoughts and feelings in my nightmares dreams for sure.



When you share something normal everyone goes through.



But your coach takes off his sunglasses and thereby hints that maybe what you went through is not the norm.

Like dealing with parents who have daily temper tantrums.

Or getting a near-instant panic attack from visiting a hospital.

You mean not everyone has that? Oh.



When you feel weird about your needs and vulnerabilities and need someone to tell you it’s o.k.:



I feel better already!



When you haven’t come in for a session in a while and you’re doing well:






When you keep saying you’re fine even though you just realised your partner is a narcissist, you are the only carer for 3 ill family members and your boss is firing a scary many people at work. And what you really need is for someone to be real with you:



Because other people telling you it will be fine doesn’t really help.

Especially when you’re already lying to yourself about it. Everyone and everything seems to assume that you can handle everything and anything with no limits. But you actually do need to set some healthy limits.



Sessions with Gina Linetti

Human / Genius. Dancer Extraordinaire. Entrepreneur and Celebrity. Extension #01


When you tell her you saw a scary movie:



Sage HSP advice Gina!



When you ask your coach if she has any other thoughts for you:



Err, ok. Thanks.

I guess.



When you need someone to help you express your emotions:



Taking notes here.



When you’d like to have counseling sessions with Beyoncé instead, but you don’t have the money:



I knew we were vibing for a reason.



When you’re not exactly sure what your coach / guru / genius is getting at:



Ah, I thought that was it! Thank you for explaining!



When you need some after office hours support:



Oh, ok. Is that included in the package rate?



When you’re trying to work out what happened to someone you care about:



There is woo, and then there is, well, I’m not sure what this is.



When you need some help getting off of social media:



And you realise you asked the wrong person for help.



When you’re not sure how to say no, profesionally:



Works in any situation.



Encouraging Chats with  Charles Boyle

Life Enthusiast, Chef and Professional High-Fiver. extension #0456


When you need help making the most of a tough situation:



Because dancing always helps.



When you’re not sure what to say about workplace sexual harassment:



Bring it Charles!



When things are getting rough, you’re confused about what to do next and need someone who gets it:



The name is Bon. Bon Bon.



When you need someone on your team who is always upbeat and gentle, even if it sounds oddly inappropriate:



The penpal is mightier than the swordfish – wait.



When you like making small talk at the start of a session:



Teach me, please.


Jungian Analysis with Raymond Holt

Don’t call him Ray, or Ray-Ray. extension #02


When you’re looking for someone to help find your inner Happy Sensitive, but you don’t want anyone to know:



There is no denying, the man knows his stuff.



When your inner calm goes down 3%

and you need to speak immediately with someone who relates, accurately:



It’s evident.



When you need some in-depth analysis:




Because advice with a hidden compartment of subconscious meaning is THE best.



When you’re also looking for a parent coach, kind of:



Or maybe not.



When you need a practical reframe:



My eyes are opened, sir!


Health Coaching with Terry Jeffords

Model. People-catcher*. Universal Father Figure. extension #03




When you need some solid nutritional advice:



But you’re really just snacky.



When your dad never cared where you were or what you did:



And you’re not 100% sure this feels better.



Sessions with Professional Organiser Amy Santiago

Binder Specialist and Nerdy Genius to the Stars. extension #101



When you’re worried you’re too nerdy:



And you are.

And it is.



When you need someone to coach you AND take all your notes for you:



It’s just easier that way.



When you feel better with a detailed plan, nay, instructions. Nay, many coloured tabs.



Because a good read IS a good read.



When you’re at the start of a life of freedom:



But you need to take baby steps.



5-minute sessions with Rosa Diaz

Highly skilled at things nobody knew about. Zero Patience. extension #4


When you need a final answer:



Cool cool cool.



When you need to talk to someone who understands your shadow side:



Bad boy alert!



When you need someone with an endless supply of secret knowledge:



Nobody knows how old she really is.



When you tend to talk yourself out of your commitments:






When too much hype just drives you crazy:



Toastmasters have nothing on her.



When you’re deathly bored:




And then at the end of the session:

Relax and let the wisdom sink in.






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