The Disempowerment of Blame: how wanting other people to change blocks your own healing

There is a big difference between saying: “Person X did something that really hurt me” versus “Because of what person x did, I will never be able to move forward in my life”

It’s the difference between saying: “I’m hurt and need to heal” versus, “I might as well give up”.

Blame is a popular strategy. It has a false air of empowerment. It feels active and engaging, like you’re doing something – while you are actually stuck.

Chronic blame is fueled by chronic anger and hatred. These are emotions that fire up our fight-or-flight system, creating an adrenalin rush and a sense of hyped and nervous strength.

Dropping out of such blame requires acknowledging the fear and sense of powerlessness that underlie the anger. For someone who has been blaming others for a long time, that is a big and courageous step to take. For anyone to be able to move forward, it’s a step that must be taken.

When you are stuck in chronic blame you automatically discredit possible solutions. If a solution works, you simply will not put it into practice. If it isn’t perfect, you criticize it to shreds. To stay in the position of chronic blame just means that the fear of your own vulnerability is bigger than the burden of your chronic anger. Some people can run on this kind of energy dynamic for a very long time, perhaps their whole life. Others find that after only a short period of time, they break through the anger to the emotions underlying it.

We all have layers of emotional patterns in our energy field. On the surface, we might be 100% blame free, while on a deeper subconscious and currently-out-of-reach layer, we are stuck in blame. You never know for sure until you’ve actually done the energetic excavating!

Ironically, while chronic blame rests on the premise of “I am a victim”, it doesn’t truly acknowledge the deeper pain and set-back involved. The responsibility for doing whatever needs doing is projected outwards: “others caused the pain and so they need to fix it” This is not a smart tactic. You’d be waiting a long time for bullies to become true friends.

In many ways, this may seem so scary that “to go on blaming” seems the only option. “I can’t do what I want because of them”, “I’ll never be o.k. because of what happened” “The world is just a bad place” “Nobody wants me to succeed”. It’s important to recognize any of these beliefs as just that: beliefs. They describe our current experience, and as long as they go unchallenged, they also prescribe it.

Whether it’s you or someone else who is stuck in blame, it’s important to recognize that allowing blame to continue will block change in any area of your life. This is because for blame to continue (and the underlying emotions to be blocked from surfacing) it is imperative that nothing changes. Change -after all- demonstrates that “things are possible”. Possibilities threaten the experience of blame and must therefore – from Blame’s perspective- be denied.

For anyone stuck in blame, it’s the blame itself that needs to be shifted before anything else can change. The “logic” of Blame is however that everything and everyone else must change before the blame can be released. It’s a catch-22 of sorts.

It is the understanding of how blame operates + the willingness to face what is underneath, that allows you to break through both the blame and the connected victimhood. For anyone you know who is stuck in blame: it’s their job to break it, not yours.

For you -when you’re stuck in blame yourself- know that it’s your job to blow up the blame-victimhood dynamic. Don’t expect it to blow over by itself. And don’t expect the whole world to change and do a Disney World Happy Dance just to make you feel better. You don’t want to waste all that time waiting for the impossible. In fact, the empowerment of resolving blame comes from  acknowledging that you don’t need others to change in order for you to heal. You’re crazy powerful like that!



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