Is Love About Breaking Down Someone’s Walls?


A client had this insight the other day:

“I always deep-down assumed that if I kind of locked people out, and then someone would try very hard to break down my defenses, that that meant that they loved me”.

It was a profound moment (the quote is my paraphrasing of what she said).



Those of us who are not just HSP, but also have strong psychic and empath abilities, often grow up mildly to moderately terrified. We feel so much that “doesn’t make sense” that our inner logic, emotions and perceptions end up in a kind of knot. The only tactic we had to deal with that was to shut down. Add to that a possible toxic family environment or other chronic stressors, and you’ve got even more reasons to put your system on lock-down.


drawing of person hiding behind a wall but fishing for love

While this is a survival strategy, and the best we’ve got under trying circumstances, it also blocks us from experiencing the openness and intimacy that we seek. Unintentionally, we may be giving people we like the ‘go away’ signal when we think we’re friendly and open towards them.



The thing is, friendly people will respect those signals and stay away. Predators however -those who are out to “own”, control and manipulate others- will completely ignore those signals. Once they believe you’ve got something they want, they’ll do whatever they can to “break in”.

And so, from your locked-in perspective, it can seem as if those predators are the only ones who truly care about you, because they’re the only ones that come closer. Like prince charming coming to save  Rapunzel from her prison tower.

Except, the real prince stays on the ground, honouring the tower you built for yourself, and waits for you to come down and open the door, while the orc is climbing up the walls to come and get you.

More confusingly, while the tower you’re in may be obvious to others, it may not be obvious to you, at all. You may be throwing people dirty looks without realizing.

It took me a long time to notice when I was sending out “go away” signals. Yet, with enough awareness and observation, I could catch myself throwing someone a lightning fast dirty look – when I didn’t think I was even looking at all! The part of me that didn’t feel safe and that was trying to protect me at any cost, was pushing some people away, even when I was consciously attempting to create a connection.

This push-pull dynamic keeps away the people worth having close to you, and will attract predators who are up for a burglary challenge.



There is no quick fix for this. You need to break down those walls and learn other ways to feel and be safe, so that the nice peeps out there feel invited to come closer. It all starts with you: becoming a sensitive savant, understanding your own intuition, and empowering yourself from a place of self-acceptance and love instead of fear.

If this sounds like you, set up a Clarity Call with me so we can map out the best way for you to gently take down those walls and feel protected in new, effective, long-lasting ways.


P.S. Carl-Friedrich who read this article when it was only live for a few hours, sent me a link to a song that fits perfectly. It’s this:




clarity call after post transp

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Hedva January 22, 2020

Hello Caroline

My name is Hedva and I read your post from Israel

I just want to thank you for your words, it likes water in the desert.
Although I take care of myself with great people who go with me through my journey for so many years, friends, family and professional people, I still learn new depth points with your words.

Thanks a lot, it really helps



2 Caroline van Kimmenade February 1, 2020

Hi Hedva,

Glad to hear this was helpful for you, and thank you for your kind words!


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