5 Ways to Deal with Your Feelings Without Having To

There are a lot of ways of dealing with your feelings without actually dealing with them.

Let me count the ways!

 

1 – Suppressing them

 

You seal them in a tiny black box and never look at them again.

The problem? They’re still there. It’s like taking all your bills and dumping them in a box in the bottom of your closet. That never ends well.

Like Nick says: “It’s my box! It’s where I keep all my junk that I don’t feel like dealing with”

You might be surprised though how many people – including professionals – think shoving the box in your closet is a great idea. Because then you can close the door on all that and focus on thinking positive thoughts.

Or as an ex-therapist of one of my clients said: hatred is an emotion that simply is not allowed!

So when you feel it, I guess you just need to hide it in a box and pretend it’s not there.

Again, far too many people really believe that works: “I refuse to feel it, so it’s not there!”

Sigh.

Your parents might have believed that, but come on, this is the 21st century.

How this shows up in conversations:

  • The past is in the past
  • You just need to move on
  • Just let it go

To clarify, this doesn’t mean you need to break open all your traumas and throw yourself into those pits of whirling emotions… I mean, yes it needs healing, but not all at once.

If Nick had 30 shoeboxes, you wouldn’t dump them all on the floor and not sleep for weeks to sort it out. You’d do things one box at a time – at most.

It also doesn’t mean you keep driving past your ex’s house to see what they’re up to now… (you can choose healthier behaviours, and still acknowledge that on the inside, you have things to work through before you can really move on)

 

2 – Rationalise them away

 

There is a place for understanding how particular thoughts can make you feel bad unnecessarily. It’s useful to analyse your thinking patterns and check: does this help?

Standing in front of a mirror and yelling at yourself that you’re ugly really doesn’t do anyone any good. Nor does repeating to yourself that the world is just a bad place not worth living in.

You can train your brain to make you feel miserable, sure. But that doesn’t mean that emotions are just some silly side-effects of how you think.

They have an intuitive purpose of their own. Living up in your head is not a healthy way to be, regardless of what any particular brand of therapy may state. Yes, there are many people who live up in their heads exclusively. They can be very convinced that that is the right way.

Or as a very tense and nervous man in a meditation class once said: “I am very peaceful”. It just meant he kept repeating that thought to himself and didn’t even notice all the tension in his body.

Emotions are like tonsils, o.k.? Once upon a time doctors believed they were useless just because they couldn’t discern their purpose (yet). The take-away? Just because you don’t understand the purpose of your emotions yet doesn’t make them useless. Refrain from trying to cut them out just yet.

 


What if you have a therapist who can’t help you understand the value of all your different emotions? Run before they teach you to cut them out and then take you for ice cream.

 

How this shows up in conversations:

  • Happiness is just a thought away!
  • What are you thinking, that makes you feel that way?
  • Everything is just a result of your beliefs.
  • You can choose to believe something else.
  • Your thoughts create your emotions, and your emotions drive your behaviours. To change your behaviours, change your thoughts!
  • Emotions are illogical.
  • It’s crazy to feel that way.
  • Can’t you just be rational for once?
  • If you feel bad, it’s because you’re not looking at things the right way.
  • You have to expell all negativity and only think positive thoughts to attract good things to you.

 

3 – Throw them at people

 

It gets worse. Especially people who have a combination of sensitivity to energy + passive agressiveness (avoiding conflict, yet punishing others at the same time) + blame (as in: “I’m fine, everyone else has a problem”) have a tendency to push the feelings they don’t like out and away.

They’ll say “that’s not mine to deal with” to anything they don’t like, including their emotions. Oh, and while those feelings are out there just lying around and being “not mine”, they make for good ammunition too.

Instead of feeling their feelings, they throw them at people. Like a food fight. Yes literally. But it’s all very subtle. They often struggle with relationships for this reason. People don’t like them much, but nobody can put their finger on why. Imagine it like if the red jam was transparent:

 

 

The take-away? People don’t like it when you throw things at them. But also: a habit of not taking responsibility for feelings can run on autopilot. Many people who do this have no idea. They’re also flabbergasted as to why – after a while – other people avoid their food truck.

How this shows up in conversations:

  • I need to protect myself from everyone’s negativity.
  • I’m too spiritual to get angry or hate anyone or anything.
  • I only allow positive vibrations into my space.
  • I don’t like conflict, people should always just calmly talk about things.
  • I need to surround myself with white light to be safe from all the bad things out there.

 

4 – Remove them

 

Sadly, a lot of “healing” practices teach ways to cut emotions away like they’re a piece of mold. They treat it like “negativity” without any purpose, other than that it mucks up your vibe.

 

 

The first step is to put the patient on a massage table.

The next step is to slice off all the negativity from their aura. Keep slicing until the toxicity is completely removed.

Now place the patient in a fresh white light of auric protection and seal.

Make sure you remove all “yes, but” about this process from the client’s mind. Otherwise, their negative expectations and thoughts will attract new negativity more quickly.

 

How this shows up in conversations:

  • It’s all just negative energy.
  • How do I get rid of my bad emotions?
  • Just let it all go.
  • Breathe out all the black smoke and breathe in white light.
  • Just decide to release all toxicity from your body right now, and it is done.

 

5- Run from them

 

This strategy requires that you stay insanely busy at all times! The moment you calm down, you just know something bad will happen. You don’t know what, but it will be bad! That bad thing? It’s that your feelings will start to surface.

It’s not a bad thing actually, just a part of life, your life.

The benefit of running from your feelings is that as you’re doing that, you’re running from reality. That means you can pretend reality is whatever you want it to be! So, it’s actually a survival mechanism that kids from abusive families especially, develop to cope.

That’s true for all the ways of not dealing with feelings listed here. It’s just that the running strategy is something that has multiple coping patterns all wrapped into one. It’s like an extra strong dosage:

  • Keeping your stress levels high keeps you feeling strong (due to all the stress hormones) which is a nice way to cover up all the feelings of powerlessness.
  • Staying busy gets you a lot of kudos from society. You’re a good person! You make things happen! You are motivated! You can be counted on! Approval never hurts, and the benefits of achieving (you get lots done) are also very nice and practical to have! Plus, all of that goes a long way to make you feel important, which helps balance out that inner sense of worthlessness that is kept under wraps.
  • When you keep running enough, you don’t have to deal with your feelings much at all. Your body keeps them away from you because it figures you have bigger fish to fry right now.
  • The stress itself will convince you that either “you need to struggle to survive” (when you’re stuck in chronic fight patterns) or that “the future somewhere else will give you everything you need” (when you’re stuck in chronic flight).  The struggle provides a sense of purpose. The future somewhere else provides a sense of hope. Two things you can really use when you’ve had to deal with abuse.

The “only” problem is, running from your feelings also keeps you stuck in that deeper reality that makes you want to run. It’s like never wanting to rest, because the sheets on your bed never get washed, and so your bed is uncomfortable and you’d rather stay up. But if you do the work to wash the sheets, your bed will feel a whole lot better, and you get to experience how nourishing it is to sleep.

The take-away? You can’t run forever. You can’t keep napping in your car. At some point you need to wash the bed sheets and have a real rest.

And anyways, if you keep running from them, your emotions will try to reach you in roundabout ways. It really is worth it to slow down and let them catch up, even if it feels scary. That U.F.O.: Unidentified Freakish Overtakenbyemotion is just an old coyote in a tin can. No worries.

 

 

How this shows up in conversations:

  • I don’t have time to slow down.
  • I have more important things to do than meditate.
  • I know I need to do some inner work but I’ll do it when my life settles down.
  • There is just too much going on for me to be able to focus on or take time for myself.
  • If I slow down and feel then I don’t get everything done and I worry I may just collapse and sleep for 3 weeks.
What to do with Anger - Live Call - Join Online March 16th or 19th
How do you handle anger in a way that doesn't make you explode inappropriately, but also doesn't make you implode over time?


In this call you'll learn new strategies for dealing with anger and we'll dive a little into the origin of "dysfunctional anger" so you can better understand why anger can be such a struggle.

This is helpful because it will give you more compassion for any struggles with feelings of anger.

If you worry about dealing with anger the right way, if you don't want to be like your parents, but also if you "never get angry" this call is for you.

 

 

 

Practical Details:  75 minutes

Place: Online. Join online or dial-in over the phone. You'll receive a recording after.

Dates (the same class is taught on two different dates):

  • Saturday March 16th at 1 pm Eastern (New York), 10 am Pacific (Los Angeles)
  • Tuesday March 19th at 1.30 pm IST (Delhi), 7 pm AEDT (Sydney), 9 pm NZDT (Wellington), 10 pm (HST) Honolulu

You'll see dates in your own local times before confirming registration.

Cost: 15 euros.  (approx 17 USD) Payment is secure through paypal or creditcard.

 

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