For the longest time, I’ve been able to intellectually acknowledge that sure, I feel really lonely at times.
In theory, I am part of the “empath community” – yet in practice, I disagree with what most self-professed empaths preach and practice.
In theory, I am part of the online entrepreneur community, but it’s different when you are not about the usual virtual assistant, tech app, or sales expertise and you’re kind of out on a limb doing what you’re doing.
In theory, I am part of the coaching community. It’s just that, there is a lot of “proving you have a great life worth emulating” and “creating kick-ass goals and results for your clients” and “manifesting wealth” and very little: “I want to do meaningful work and then I want to go to my community garden to see how my mustard greens, herbs and pumpkins are doing.”
In theory I’m part of the energy healer community, but the longer I’ve been in this business, the more convinced I am that the majority of healers make things worse, not better, and they don’t even realise it.
In theory I am part of the Highly Sensitive Community but in practice I cringe at much of the whining that “the world is too insensitive”. As well as the thinly veiled covert narcissism that many people seem to label as High Sensitivity.
Feeling Lonely despite Community
You can feel lonely because you have nobody to talk to. But you can also feel lonely because despite more than sufficient people skills to make the rounds at a party, what you most want to talk about is just too different for most people to relate to. As it turns out, the things I am most passionate about are the things I most shut up about, because I don’t want to turn every conversation into a heated argument (I mean, who does?).
As a result, the things I do genuinely connect with people over are topics further down my priority list.
But that’s not my point.
My point is that for the longest time I have been able to acknowledge that loneliness intellectually. Meaning, in theory.
When you know how you feel, yet it leaves you cold somehow
Yes, if someone said to me “that must be lonely” I wouldn’t disagree. I wouldn’t deny that it was. Yet somehow, that loneliness failed to touch me deeply.
Was it because I was exceptionally strong and able to handle the loneliness? Did I simply not mind being lonely in a way?
You might like to think so when you know something is technically bugging you yet you’re affected very little.
“Oh yes, what a strong and positive person I am for not letting it get to me!
Surely, I must have dealt with it already!
I am just good at putting my focus where I can make a positive difference.
The Zen in me says that things just are the way they are, you know?”
Sure, yes.
Except no.
This is intellectually acknowledging your feelings and it’s very common. It’s easy to think that that’s it.
Yet there is something very interesting and baffling that happens when you “know you feel that way” yet haven’t plunged the emotional depths of it: that feeling gets reflected back to you in how your life takes shape.
Intellectual Acknowledgement is just Step 1
You can look at your life and wonder: “hmm, every sane person would assume that given how my life is right now, I must feel THIS WAY for sure. So how come I don’t really feel like that?”
The way governments around the world have responded to Covid-19 has put many of us in isolation for a long while.
As someone who was already working from home, and who has her house blissfully to herself, I had a habit of socialising outside of work. Yet with lockdowns and social distancing, most of those opportunities dried up.
And still I did not feel the depths of my loneliness, emotionally!
In fact, I think I would have been able to intellectually stick it out, perhaps for ever, except for the fact that I intellectually deduced that I must be hiding my feelings.
The Difference between Intellectually and Emotionally Acknowledging your Feelings
Emotionally acknowledging your feelings is very different from intellectually doing so!
Intellectually you:
- approach your emotions as an idea, a concept
- you can rationally discuss your feelings
- you don’t pretend they don’t exist, but somehow you blissfully skim over the pain all the same!
- notice that your life doesn’t really seem to change despite acknowledging your feelings about it
- feel somewhat secretive about the feeling. o.k. you won’t deny it’s there, but why bring it up unless you really have to?
Emotionally you:
- feel very very vulnerable when the feelings first truly surface, to the point that you worry if you’ll ever be o.k.!
- have to make an effort to stay in this raw feeling place
- feel true relief when you’ve emotionally felt through some of the feeling. yes it hurts, but you also feel lighter.
- feel more open about discussing it
- start taking steps towards what you want
- you notice that parts of your life that were stuck with the parking break on suddenly start to shift for the better and gain new momentum
When you say to yourself that you understand and acknowledge how you feel, check whether you intellectually or also emotionally acknowledge your feelings! There’s a big difference between the two and while intellectual acknowledgement is a good start, in itself, it does very little to truly help you heal.
The Loneliness of Being Yourself
Walking your own path, comes with an inevitable amount of loneliness. If you never want to be or feel lonely, then make sure that everything you are and do is as conventional as possible! That way you will always fit in, never feel left out, and never wonder whether anyone hears you.
Which is just to say, there isn’t always a win-win solution. You can squash your soul to fit in, or listen to your deepest depths and be different.
But if you learn to tolerate the feelings that being you brings up… you gain a big freedom to just be yourself. You stop letting a fear of those feelings control your choices. Because you know, while they are not your favorite feelings, you can handle them. Not by numbing them, but by letting them affect you yet stay standing.
It’s not always clear what our emotional experiences are meant to teach us. Sometimes we just have to trust that they are there for good reason, and we’ll be able to say something wise about it in 20 years or so.
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