12 Misleading Ways Narcissistic People Sound Loving – when they’re really selfish

by Caroline van Kimmenade

Some narcissistic people are really good at sounding loving, when they really aren’t. They care about “looking good” so when kindness gets them bonus points, they’ll be sure to phrase their motivation that way.

These narcissistic people will often use “loving” language to refer to things that have nothing to do with love. It’s not about what they do say, it’s about what they leave out. They’re often not really saying what they seem to be saying.

Below are 12 disturbing ways that narcissistic people make selfishness sound loving and altruistic. Yet, when you look closer, you’ll find something else is going on.

Click the “what’s missing” link to see what their “loving” statements really mean (This is the part they usually don’t say out loud. Not unless you ask them to explain what they mean. And you might have to ask for clarification a few times before the truth emerges, if it ever does).

drawing of narcissistic person posing as loving

12 Ways Narcissistic People Sound Loving – but aren’t

1. I am a kind person because I care… What's missing

…about what you think of me. Do you think I am perfect? (If you don’t, you’re just jealous of me)

Common variations:

A) I have too much concern for others … What's missing

…because I am concerned about what other people think of me. Do you have the right impression of me? (If not, I’ll tell you what you should think. No problem, I’m helpful like that).

B) I care a lot about others… What's missing

…because I care about whether everyone likes me or not (It’s exhausting to be so caring).

C) I care a lot about how other people feel… What's missing

…about me. I really want you to have good feelings about ME ME ME!.

2. I am high vibe and full of love because I reject negativity… What's missing

…I only want to feel good and have happy thoughts. Everything else I simply reject, deny or push away. I don’t like being uncomfortable and I shouldn’t have to be! After all, my true self is superior, perfect and always in a feel-good place. Of course, that means I can not be here for you when you’re feeling bad. Get yourself into a high-vibe place first before you dare approach me. Don’t infect me with your negativity! Ew! Get your sadness, fear and other ick away from my shiny self!

3. I exhaust myself looking out for everyone… What's missing

…because I want to make sure everyone does everything my way, which is the only right way. I just don’t want anyone to make a stupid mistake. And I happen to know everything, about everything. It truly is a heavy burden to be so all-knowing, but it’s a burden I carry with love. I am the embodiment of truth and I am here to guide [read: force] humanity to do exactly what I tell them to do.

4. I’m so upset because nobody listens to my kind and reasonable stance on this! What's missing

… I mean, when I tell them what I think, they seem to pay attention, but then, they just don’t agree with me at all! Clearly, if they actually listened, they would agree with me 100%. Therefore, the fact that they don’t agree with me proves that they don’t listen to me. There is only one opinion worth having after all, and that is mine! Nay, it’s not even an opinion, it’s the truth! Everyone who says differently is just spreading lies and fake news. People are just such bad listeners these days.

5. I have a big heart. I love too much What's missing

…Because when people don’t do what I tell them to do, I feel upset and it hurts my chest. That’s all my love for humanity right there, just bursting at the seams.

Common variation:

I actually think I must be an empath, I mean, I feel so much!… What's missing

…Just the other day, I was browsing on instagram and saw someone who is very successful. More successful than me! I realised this person is who I’ve always wanted to be. And suddenly, out of the blue, I had some very intense feelings. I don’t know what they were! I don’t know what they were about! It must be psychic!… It’s just jealousy you say? Hmm, that really doesn’t sound like me though. No I am sure that I am psychic and that I was picking up on this other person’s negative energy, it truly is the only reasonable explanation.

6. I don’t want to hurt anyone What's missing

…so when you tell me I am hurting you, you must be wrong (I am a human angel and my thoughts are my reality). Furthermore, it is my divine right to do exactly as I please with no concern for others, and at the same time know that I am definitely not hurting anyone. Why not? Because hurting people is bad and I am not a bad person. Therefore, by definition, I cannot possibly hurt anyone ever.

Common variation:

Some people are SO judgemental! What's missing

Look, I really just want to do what I want to do and have others leave me alone. But then some people come at me with all these judgements about how they don’t like it when I play loud music in the middle of the night, or that I’m not supposed to park my car in the handicapped spot. Those people are SO judgemental! They’re just trying to control me. I am a divine being with no limits and nobody seems to honor that!

7. I know what other people are feeling What's missing

…because, it’s exactly what I am too good to ever feel. I have evolved beyond negative emotions. I would NEVER feel anger. Or hate! So when I sense those feelings, it MUST be someone else! It could also be my own projections you say? Nah dude, you really don’t get it. Clearly, I am spiritually superior to you. I am wasting my time with this conversation, you really don’t know what you’re talking about.

8. I just want to support the cause, having the spotlight on me is not why I became interested in all this in the first place… What's missing

… But I am convinced that I MUST build my empire to have a meaningful impact and having less than 1 million followers is just humiliating. After all, I am here to help! I want everyone to be as enlightened as me and do as I say. That’s just being controlling you say? Nah, I am guided by divine superior light. I am love.

9. I am a good person. What's missing

…Look, I have extensive proof! Check my perfect snapshots of all my good deeds, on instagram. And may I say, I look fab. Also, I make a lot of money and that proves that I have a high vibration. So, don’t you dare accuse me of anything or criticise me in any way.

10. I have done my inner work What's missing

…and I am 100% aware of everything I feel, think and am. There are no surprises for me, about me. (If you think otherwise, you’re just projecting).

Common variation:

I might have had some issues once, What's missing

…but now I am an enlightened being of pure light and love. I have done my inner work and it is done. DONE you hear me. We shall speak of it no more. (That darkness you see is just you standing in the shadow of my greatness)

11. I’m surprised and upset at how little self-reflection most people have What's missing

…[continues to make two statements that completely contradict each other. Gives a blank stare when being called on it]

12. People are SO selfish! What's missing

Look, it’s very simple. There is only one way to save us all and that is doing X. But some people don’t do X! Clearly, those people are selfish. They only care about themselves, there is no other explanation. You say that in a democratic society, we uphold the principle that there are always different valid viewpoints? Are you kidding me?? You must be insane. No, everything is the fault of the people who don’t agree with me. Without them, we wouldn’t have any problems.

Saying they care doesn’t mean they do

The take-away? Saying “I care” doesn’t mean being caring. When you care about your shirt being ironed just right, that doesn’t prove you have a big heart. When you want everyone to follow your lead, that doesn’t prove that you care about other people’s lives. And feeling a pressure on your chest doesn’t mean your heart is exploding with love for humanity. You could in fact be having a mild panic attack because you just lost 100 followers. Or something similar.

Be mindful of superficial odes to love and BIG gurus building empires of enlightenment. It’s easy to assume that “caring” means “caring” when you don’t look closer. Oh, and one big clue is when someone is supposedly always caring: “I only feel love, I never feel hate“, that kind of unrealistic b.s.

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Does this mean narcissistic people lie?

Not necessarily, they may honestly believe that they are using words like “caring” correctly. When your own experience is all you know and take seriously, how would you recognize that other people mean something else when they use words like love and care and compassion?

And yes, there are also narcissistic people who will lie outright for effect.

However, whether they are lying or not, is less important that getting clear on whether someone truly cares, or is just mouthing the words.

Wait! I worry about being liked and things going my way, does that mean I am a narcissist?

No, the point is not that you should never worry about being liked or what people think of you! As social animals it’s normal for us to keep an eye on how we are perceived. And often, this is very useful!

The point is knowing the difference between:

“I want people to like me” and “I worry what people will think”

versus

“I care about other people and their well-being”.

For narcissistic people, those two seem to be one and the same, but they are actually miles apart!

Narcissistic people conflate wanting to be liked, with being loving (“I care what they think so therefore I am loving!”). They conflate listening with agreeing (“If someone doesn’t agree with me, they’re just not listening!”).

It’s perfectly normal to feel stressed when others don’t agree with you. Yet, it’s not correct to assume that simply because someone doesn’t agree, they must not be listening.

It’s also perfectly all right to believe in a certain way of doing things and advocating for that. Just be clear that this is what you believe, it’s not the end all be all of all knowledge! And if some people go off and do something else… that’s what democracy and free will are all about. Trying to make everyone do things your way, because you believe your own perspective is the only valid one (and everyone else is just crazy), that’s the problem.

Narcissists are the kings and queens of conflating all kinds of different concepts. As a result, they can tell a story that  – on the face of it – makes them sound caring and compassionate and justifiably upset about something. However, when you dig a little deeper you’ll find they are drawing all kinds of one-sided conclusions and equating any kind of worry, obsession or conviction of their own with “having a loving heart”.

Of course, not all narcissists do this. The ones who don’t, are easier to spot!

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