A lot of spiritual teachings focus on increasing our ability to love. Love is the stabilizing, nurturing and creative force, we all want more of that! We want more love, more more and more of more and more. In short, we want more. As sensitives, we should know better though. More of more leads to chaos, overwhelm and temporary insanity. I. CAN’T. TAKE. ANY. MORE! you might scream, exasperated.
Yet we plug our ears with our fingers, suck in our breath and say a little prayer: “Please God, help me to be more loving…I’ve lost my way!”
And what does God do? He sends us a Disaster. An awful, gobsmacking, paralyzing disaster.
We don’t understand. But we are Good Citizens of the world. We are kind, we are loving, if only we could be more loving…”Please God” we pray, help us see the good in all this, help us connect to the love that is there in every situation, even though I can’t find it right now!”
And what does God do? He sends us a modern version of the biblical locusts, to eat away everything we lovingly nurtured. Because God isn’t biased. He sees the bigger picture. He’s not so keen on adding ever more love. He knows love is there. Simple.
For me, those locusts came as overwhelmingly urgent and unexpected adrenal fatigue. I lost my job, lost my social life, lost my self-esteem. I didn’t get it. What did I do wrong? Wasn’t I loving enough?
But the truth was, enough with all the loving! Enough with the endless adding onto, nurturing and increasing the things in my life. Enough with the more, more and more!
My inner God had spoken. Enough with all the love! Time for Destruction! With a big thundering ROOAAAAR!!
But hey, THAT wasn’t part of my VALUED UPBRINGING AND EDUCATION! What parent enthusiastically cheers-on their toddler while (s)he is smashing a newly created clay masterpiece to bits? Not the Good parent anyway! “Ow Johnny, don’t do that! You made such a beautiful clay worm, don’t smash it up! Here, give it to mummy for safekeeping!” (We all know that that other parent does exist, but do they make it onto educational how-to-raise-your-children shows? I don’t think so!) In my teens, friends would respond horrified whenever I let on that I didn’t keep every-single-cd-I-bought. “What a shame!” “You’ll regret it later!” “You’ll love listening to it again a few years down the road!” “You HAVE to keep those!” Much later still, my mum threw a huge fit when I decided to give away my once cherished stuffed panda (And she’s still convinced that I will deeply miss ANY childhood belongings once I become a parent myself – If I ever do). Sigh. So, being a good person, it was pretty hard getting rid of little things. When my life fell apart in my late twenties, was I prepared? Not really.
Ever so slowly though, I started to see the beauty of destruction and letting go. I started to understand that you cannot keep creating new things ON TOP of your old master pieces. Not unless you want a huge and dangerous tower of Pisa.
I started to accept that I wasn’t a bad person for hating things every now and again. In fact, I started to understand that
You have to be able to stand at the bottom of that deep hole and say: this is the perfect place to begin again! Dammit!
This is why our biggest gifts are contained in our scariest inner places. It takes courage to destroy what you built. It takes power to undo what you once loved. It takes strength to acknowledge that you are completely fed up and you HATE something, whatever that something is.
Hating the hate, judging the hate, wishing away the hate, it’s all extra. Should we love the viruses that attack our cells? Should we caress the things in our lives that go against the grain of everything we know to be true? Should we just love for the sake of loving and being loving? Or is there a way to be destructive in a GOOD way, to hate without being horrible? Can we allow ourselves to feel our inner Shiva and allow him full reign? And then, can we rejoice in the result? Let’s practice.
The higher we want to soar, the deeper we need to burrow. Big trees need strong roots. High buildings need a secure foundation. So every time we grow, our foundation will be challenged. Every time we reach for more love, hate will rush in to eat away the things that are rotten. Every time we are truer to ourselves, destruction will set to work to remove all in our lives that is untrue in the light of our newfound vision. Our dreams manifest through the activation and subsequent destruction of our nightmares, and in doing so, those dreams blossom. Every single time.